About Loss

Introduction to Grief

Grief not only occurs in every culture in the world, but also appears to be a phenomenon that is not limited to humans. There have been stories for ages about birds that mate for life searching for their lost mate. When a group of elephants comes across the skull of a former member of the herd, some of them use their trunks to gently move and sniff the skull as if they are remembering. The most provocative examples of possible animal grief are those involving gorillas. For example, on December 7, 2004 the female gorilla Babs died at the age of 30 at the Brookfield Zoo. The zoo officials let surviving gorillas mourn her death in what the zoo’s curator called a “gorilla wake.” The Sydney Daily Telegraph reported on March 31, 1998 how a family of gorillas grieved the death of a three-week newborn. From these examples, and many others we see in nature that I haven’t listed, grief is a universal part of life. Therefore, we can be assured that the grief we experience after the death of a loved one is a natural reaction to loss.

Grief and Disease

Some people may question if grief is a healthy response to loss, even if it is natural. I think there are three reasons for this concern. First, both grief and an illness make it harder to function, at least temporarily. Second, we may experience grief reactions we have never encountered before and think something is drastically wrong with us. We must be sick for this to be happening to us. Third, we tend to use words to describe grief that we associate with an illness, words such as “heal,” “symptoms,” and “recover.” (For this reason I prefer to use words like “manifestations” or “expressions” of grief rather than disease-related words.) However, grief is not a disease; it is a “dis-ease.” We are no longer “at ease” and are experiencing a disruption in the stability of our normal day-to-day lives. There is no sick condition in the mind or the body directly caused by bacteria, viruses, physiological problems, etc. like there is with a disease. Grief is a healthy reaction to a loss.

Grief vs. Depression

Many people, including some mental health and medical professionals, have the misconception that grief and depression are synonymous. This misunderstanding has led to some people being diagnosed with depression when they are really exhibiting normal manifestation of grief. While the fifth and latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the "bible" of diagnosing mental disorders, has been criticized for various reasons, it has included a very good description of how grief manifestations and depression can be differentiated. The following table delineates the differences:

Grief Reactions

When people lose something or someone important to them, they are bereaved and they may experience a variety of reactions. These reactions can be so strong or foreign to them that the bereaved may believe they are “going crazy.” They aren’t going crazy; they are experiencing grief.

Grief Factors

What someone experiences after a death is very personal and no two people react the same way or on the same time line. Even identical twins may respond to the loss of a parent differently. Which reactions each person has can vary in intensity from time to time and from one death to another.

Disenfranchised Grief

Unfortunately, there are situations where the grief that some people experience when they incur a loss is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported. In other words, a person who has suffered a loss does not have the right to act as if he/she is bereaved even though he/she IS bereaved. This inexpressible and unsupportable grief is called disenfranchised grief.

Anticipatory Grief

In a letter Edgar Allen Poe wrote to a friend shortly after the death of his wife whom he deeply loved, Poe describes well the agony of anticipating her death. This type of grief and mourning is commonly known as Anticipatory Grief or Anticipatory Mourning.

Introduction to Mourning

While grief is the group of reactions we have to being bereaved, mourning is the processing of the loss and working through our reactions to that loss. By processing the loss and our reactions to it, I mean how we adapt, adjust, learn to live with, and incorporate the loss into our daily lives.

The Myth of Stages and Phases

Various models attempt to describe what happens during mourning. Many describe mourning as a series of stages or phases. Of these, the most well known is an adaptation of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of coping with dying. She originally proposed that dying people go through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (sometimes abbreviated as DABDA). Some writers erroneously took those same stages and proclaimed that they applied to mourning, even though that was not Dr. Kübler-Ross’ intention. Since then various other stage and phase models have arisen from such theorists as Collin Murray Parkes with his four phases of mourning to Granger Westberg and his ten stages.

Styles

It is a part of human nature that if something is repeated often enough, whether it is true or not, it becomes “Common Knowledge.” For example, most people seem to “know” how you are supposed to grieve – by being emotional, crying, and talking to others about how you feel. In fact, in her book Men and Grief, Carol Staudacher states that “there is only one way to grieve. That way is to go through the core of grief. Only by experiencing the necessary emotional effects of your loved one’s death is it possible for you to eventually resolve the loss.”

Complicated Mourning/Grief

Sometimes no matter how hard we try to work on our grief, the work required becomes too hard for us to handle by ourselves or with the support of those around us. It is those times when some professional help may be of great benefit.

Acknowledge the Reality of the Loss

The first item in any mourning model is for the bereaved to come to a complete understanding that the loss has actually occurred. While this might seem obvious, it can be very hard to do. After virtually every death, there is a difference between an intellectual (head) realization and a deep emotional (heart) realization. Intellectually we know that a death has occurred – we are told of the death, perhaps see the body, and maybe even witness the death. However, our hearts cannot readily accept the fact of death. This is what I mean by the head and heart being out of synch. Accepting the reality of the loss can be even more difficult when there is no physical proof such as with an MIA, an unrecoverable body, or a kidnapping.

Reinvent Yourself

When someone we love dies, a part of us dies, too. One critical part of our assumptive worlds is the relationships we have with others, especially those we love. They become integral parts of our past, our present, and our future. They are key components of our hopes, fears, dreams, and outlook on life; what we think; and how we live our lives. In short, the unique relationship we have with each of those we love helps define who we are and similarly, we help define who they are.

Avoiding the Pain

There are many ways bereaved people try not to address the pain of a loss. One way is literally to run away. Some people change their surroundings by taking an extended vacation and some may even move to another home or city. Running away may provide some temporary relief, but no matter how hard they run, they are never able to outrun their pain – it is part of them so it is always present.

J. Worth Kilcrease, LPC, PLLC